What Age of Empires 2 taught us about History


Aztec monks wave their skirts to convince soldiers to join their side

A civilisation that starts out with 3 male villagers can still reproduce

Walls break down after a few strikes of a ram, but the stomach of a villager can take a lot more of those

One line of trees will block any unit, no one was brave enough in the Middle Ages to go through a forest

When Huns build a wonder, they make a destroyed one

Chinese don’t get gunpowder units despite being the inventors of gunpowder

Spaniards can make gunpowder units on a horse, but they need a technology to get them off that horse

Knights are excellent at fighting boats

Galleons that can sail the oceans of the world can also navigate in foot deep water

If an old man talks gibberish to you, you betray your friends, family and country and join the enemy side

Helpless villagers who see knights storming into their peaceful town can quickly pull out a few palisades out of their pockets to protect themselves

One single Longbowman can tear down a castle. He just needs to take 5000 arrows out of his magical backpack

Those Frankish Axemen never figured out how to cut down a tree

Fat kings run faster than trained cavalry

If you’re hurt in battle, ask a guy to swing his wand at you and you’re cured within seconds

Trading in the Middle Ages meant: load your cart with gold and give nothing in return

You need wood to build a farm, no seeds and water

You can ram crops and put them on fire

Written by Cysion

  • VoltaDoMar

    In the middle ages, catapults operated automatically without the assistance of siege engineers. Likewise boats operated automatically without needing any sailors.

  • Tudor Renegade

    A male villager with a naked chest and wearing just a pair of pants has more armor than a long swordsman wearing full armor from head to toe !

  • Retardness

    The planet is a flat square table

  • Retardness

    Aztec monks wave their skirts? So all soldiers in the middle ages were gay?

  • Red Baron

    I’ve never given all that a single thought. I was just enjoying a video game. Still all those things are funny as hell!

  • Diego Salvati

    Sheep are loyal to the nearest sentient being they encounter, wether it is a human, a catapult or a war elephant.

  • Diego Salvati

    When Saladin came to Jerusalem to liberate it from the european invaders, he prayed to Alah for help and guidance. Alah responded by giving Saladin 50 Shelby Cobras with machineguns to use against the infidels. And that, my children, is how the europeans lost the crusades.

    • Retardness

      “What’s that?” “i don’t know, maybe a catapult?” “well, a really ugly growling catapult then” “hey, what’s that tube poking out?”

      • Diego Salvati

        “But the europeans knew about Saladin’s approaching army, for they were warned about the impending attack by that weird naked guy who ran really fast.”

  • Diego Salvati

    Ships can sail through sand.

    • Diego Salvati

      And sink in it.

      • Diego Salvati

        Cavalry can sink ships in the sand.

  • Diego Salvati

    Your enemies will respectfully let you trade with their market, even after you slaughtered almost all of their people.

  • Diego Salvati

    A ship-mounted cannon’s cannonball is slower than my grandmother on crutches.

    • Diego Salvati

      Unless it’s a spanish cannon.

  • Diego Salvati

    For gatekeepers, a pedestrian’s right of passage matters more than keeping the angry, bloodthirsty horde of barbarians out of his city.

  • Diego Salvati

    I pity the poor woman who gave birth to 50 fully trained soldiers in under an hour without abandoniong her farming duties.

    • Diego Salvati

      I pity the poor man who ejaculated/Shat/puked 50 fully trained soldiers in under an hour without abandoniong his farming duties.

  • Diego Salvati

    Battering rams can sink ships in foot-deep water.

  • Diego Salvati

    Buildings have religious beliefs, and thus can be converted by a monk.

    • Diego Salvati

      Either buildings understand human language, or monks learn buildingese as part of their religious training.

    • Diego Salvati

      Elephants have religious beliefs and understand human language.

    • Diego Salvati

      Elephants have religious beliefs, and can be converted by a monk.

  • Diego Salvati

    If you nail planks together to make a catapult, it becomes sentient, and can be converted to christianity.

  • JooonsJoonz

    suicide bombers were ok, and ever civ did that

    • Diego Salvati

      If you have 200 farmers, and want to train, say, 50 soldiers, first you have to slaughter 50 people, and then breed 50 fully-trained and equipped swordsmen (which takes just a couple of minutes).

  • JooonsJoonz

    early cannon balls where filled with helium

    I few arrows can sink a ship, they just need to be heated beforehand

    A wolf , a jaguar and a lion are equally dangerous and can be killed by a single person as long as the town they live on have a loom

  • Toskawcia Słodziutka

    people used cows and humans on the catapults when they run out of stones :D

  • Ridho

    7 Wonders, 21 stables, 3 Barracks, 73 houses, 2 docks, 12 Castles, 3 Towers, 10 miles Stone wall, 16 miles palisade walls, and an outpost was built in 2000 years by one single villager, What a Slavery, and population didn’t even eat any food at all (Food didn’t decrease) All food goes for Soldiers, it is not fair.

  • Ridho

    Saracens had the same sword and shield wielder Europeans (an other) man at arms instead of Arabian swordmens

    • Diego Salvati

      Aztecs trained european archers. And so did the chinese.

    • The Philosopher

      Yeah that was poor. In the new one. Their are arab swordsmen with scimitars in the campaigb so why not make them the standard arab infantry?!

  • Henry Carpenter

    Sink a transport ship carrying a monk and a holy relic, and the relic survives. it teleports to the nearest landmass.
    Sheep and deer can’t reproduce, ever.
    Skirmishers can’t use their spears for melee combat.
    Soldiers can be ordered to stand still and be slaughtered.
    The donkey at the mill in the dark age requires no food or rest.
    You cannot build or destroy bridges, or plant trees.
    Coastal erosion is a non-existent entity.
    Fishing ships never get barnacles or rot.

    Hope some of these were funny :-) Henry Carpenter 21/05/13

    • JooonsJoonz

      Sheep and deer can’t reproduce, ever. :P hows that for extinction

      • Diego Salvati

        They are immortal.

    • Diego Salvati

      A skirmisher will throw its spear at you, eve if you’re standing right in front of him. Also, you can’t dodge, and he has perfect aim (as long as his people developed aiming).

  • http://AgeofEmpiresII Cauis Cosades

    Awesome! Keep the dream alive!

  • hauntedgt

    Ran out of fish in water? Make some fish traps!!

    (not mine, i saw this somewhere on internet)

  • Age2player

    A few others:

    Ships can stop and turn on a dime
    The ancient americans knew about the wheel
    Throwing Axemen are incapable of using their axes for melee combat
    Soldiers don’t know fear, they will always fight to the death unless told otherwise
    One transport ship can carry 20 war elephants
    Pagan native americans and vikings, christian europeans, muslim arabs, buddhist chinese and shinto japanese all sought after the same holy relics for their monasteries.

    • The Dark Knight

      “The ancient americans knew about the wheel”- yes they did, Aztecs were pretty civilized and this is medieval age, not ancient.

      • John Pryce

        The Aztecs never used the wheel for anything but toys. They had no wheelbarrows or anything else. Neither did any of the other New World civilizations. Not until the Europeans arrived did anyone in the New World see wheels used for anything productive.

        • Érico Caldeira

          Wheels were not used mainly because the natives lacked draft animals – horses, camels, donkeys and so on (before anyone wonders, lhamas aren’t strong enough) -, which increase significantly this tool’s usefulness. Also, the terrain of both Incan and Aztec Empires, along with the Mayan territories, didn’t favor wheels, because of too steep mountains and too dense jungle. They just prefered water transport and, if that wasn’t possible, “backpacks” tied to the head or even tree trunks, which, guess what, acted like wheels to transport heavy cargo. Honestly, ancient american trebuchets, petards and galleons bother me way more than that.

          Anyway, I think it would be pretty bizarre to see a man with a backpack spawning from the market on foot, instead of a trade cart (http://www.mexicolore.co.uk/images-7/725_06_2.jpg).

          • John Pryce

            *talks about lack of draft animals to explain missing carts, misses wheelbarrows*

          • Érico Caldeira

            Slaves were more “handy”, typical of theocracies. Reminds me of the Egyptian steam engine invention, back in the 1st century AD. It was regarded as interesting, but useless, for the same reason above.

          • John Pryce

            Which I get, but “slaves with wheelbarrows” would presumably be more useful than slaves alone.

          • Ceci Pipe

            Wheelbarrows cost resources, which can be solved with sufficient slaves.

            Even to this day, status is preferred to efficiency by a whole lot of people.

          • John Pryce

            Good point. As I recall, Rome similarly dismissed many mechanical Greek inventions because the mechanical labor could be done by slaves (they also often rejected doing things with animal labor, or so I read, on the same grounds). That it would be easier to do something with a machine (which doesn’t get tired, or require food or water, and won’t die) didn’t matter to them.
            .
            Arabic slave masters are similar, or so I’m told. Slaves aren’t intended to be productive resources in Arab society, but rather symbols of wealth, comparable to jewelry.

          • aaa

            Rome was a bit different.
            The capital was extremely overpopulated, and public projects guaranteed employment, which meant no hunger riots or disapproval.
            A tool that would remove the number of workers needed to build X structure, meant less people employed, therefore higher risk of social unrest.
            Rulers knew this, so when an inventor brought a tool that would CHANGE EVERYTHING, they gave him a tolerable sum for being smart, but didn’t implement it for the reasons above.

  • Age2player

    When the old man is done waving his stick and talking gibberish at you, you’re automatically able to speak the enemy’s language fluently while you forget your own.

  • Crazy_Irishman

    Swordsmen could chop right through stone buildings without damaging their swords.

    Siege weapons (except cannons, of course) had magical wheels that made them move without anybody pushing.

    Empty castles and towers could shoot arrows all on their own.

    The Aztecs and Mayans had access to all the same metalworking technology that the Europeans did.

    Soldiers were generated at their training grounds fully grown, without undergoing any intermediate aging process.

    Only specifically designated “villagers” could construct buildings forage, gather fish, hunt, or perform any other basic task.

    If you constructed a really big building, or if you placed a few large white boxes in your monastery, then at the end of a 200 year period, during which your people never aged, your enemies would automatically resign in despair, unless you had agreed to use the conquest setting beforehand.

    Even in the most frigid climates, male villagers wore nothing but a pair of shorts.

    The Aztecs, Mongols, Celts, and others routinely engaged each other in combat in such locations as Germany, Arabia, and occasionally the state of Texas.

    • The Dark Knight

      “Siege weapons (except cannons, of course) had magical wheels that made them move without anybody pushing”-well creating a siege unit does consume a house space in the population indicator, so I guess there’s an invisble man pushing them

      • JooonsJoonz

        a single guy?

        • The Dark Knight

          Well you never know, men were stronger and more adaptable back then

  • Firstsound

    All buildings in middle age are combustionable but 100% fire prove. They never lose hp despite being in razing blaze!

    • Diego Salvati

      You can set fire to a stone castle by hitting it with a sword a thousand times.

  • Thryalf

    11111 ‘Spaniards can make gunpowder units on a horse, but they need a technology to get them off that horse’

    –> One villager can get out of his pocket and build faster a house than a knight can destroy it

    villagers can hunt with a bow and some arrows, but they’re unable to kill an enemy with this

    A civilization can accumulate some wood in a lumbercamp, and to delete it doesn’t change anything to the counter

    It is possible to extract gold from relics

    An inch of time is an inch of gold, but you cannot buy this inch of time with an inch of gold

    • aoe2 genius

      one correction:you dont get gold from relics,you get gold from tourists who are comming to see the relic

      • JooonsJoonz

        by tourist you mean morons right :P

        • Robby Lombardo

          No, actually, they’re called pilgrims, not morons.

          • Ceci Pipe

            Tomato, tomato.

  • AKFrost

    Chinese do get the cannon galleon, so they have some gunpowder.

    • BlanketPI

      They also get the Bombard Tower, making them the only civilization to get the Bombard Tower, but not the Hand Cannoneer. Only the Britons, Aztecs and Mayans miss the Cannon Galleon, anyway.

      I know that in the manual, it points out that the Koreans are normally credited with first using gunpowder for cannons in the description of their unique technology. (Shinchikon?) The Chinese basically would only fire fireworks into their enemies at first, which is not very effective. I presume that they eventually wizened up, but towards the end of or after the Middle Ages. I would not actually know, however, so feel free to use actual solid proof against me.

      I was somehow able to get the Cavalry Archers in the first mission of Genghis Khan to hit the Dire Wolves repeatedly…. I do not know how.

      I have no jokes to add to this. Sorry.

      • AKFrost

        Chinese using Gunpowder for Fireworks instead of war is a romanticised account to China’s peaceloving, but it’s by no means true.

        During the Tang Dynasty China used Gunpowder to make basically frag grenades hurled by catapults. Cannons themselves, however, were not invented until the Late Song, since the Chinese preferred to use them to propel arrows in a primitive form of rocketry, as well as using them for grenades.

        China missing HC’s and BC’s isn’t too ahistorical, but they do use gunpowder for war.

        • JooonsJoonz

          they also tried t strap arrows on fireworks

  • _Matte_

    So Funny man, keep up the work!

  • http://ageofrogliano.blogspot.com r. von fickn

    LOL XD

    r. von fickn
    ageofrogliano clan

  • Hugo

    Certain kinds of wolves (dire wolves) couldn’t be hit by ranged attacks.

  • FrozzenFlame

    “Trading in the Middle Ages meant: load your cart with gold and give nothing in return”
    Wish it could be the same in today’s world so i can load my cart up whit some goodies haha

    • _InnocencE_

      11111, Imagine how fucked up world would be! xD

      • Diego Salvati

        Converting to another religion would cause you to go berserk and kill all your friends and family. Also, your shirt would change its colour, for some reason.

    • Landsknetch

      Lol’d hard at the fact fat kings run faster than trained cavalry

  • Cescq

    It’s not a funny one, but I remember when I was younger, we had to read some writings from a guy of 13th century. He wrote about the turks he visited and said that some jenisairs escorted him through the city upon arrival. I was curious, because I was playing AoC and I remembered the full description that the autor did about those soliders plus I researched a bit on the encyclopedia. Some days after it, we had an exam, during its correction I was asked to stand up and read my answer to “What’s a jenisair?” since I nailed it and the teacher set me as an example.

    • Regicide

      First time I heard about janissaries, it was in a book of Bernard Werber. It still shocked me :

      Passage :
      In 1329, Sultan Orkhan created a special corps called the Janissaries, the word itself coming from the Turkish “Yenitcheri” meaning new militia.

      The Janissary army had one feature, it consisted only of orphans. Indeed, the Turkish soldiers pillaging Slavic villages conscripted children at young ages, then locked them up in a military special school where they couldn’t know the rest of the world. Educated only in the art of combat, these children were pushed to be the best fighters of all the Ottoman Empire and shamelessly ravaging the villages from which they were themselves originating. It never occurred to them to fight their captors along with their own families.

      The power of the Janissaries, formerly Slav children, grew enormously in the Turkish army, until disconcerting yet to Sultan Mahmut II. He ordered the murder of all the formation and the burning of their school in 1826.

  • Richard

    Far east civilizations are able to build water-mills in the middle of a desert.

  • Polohaha

    LOL come on….these are AOC JOKES!! im lool sooo bad lol

  • Calsino

    Lol Very good bert Funny as love and true

  • Huckleberry Finn

    ‘Saboteur can un-detonate himself if his enemy manages to walk in his opposite direction’
    ‘Somehow those battering rams can aim toward the ground and kill farm lands’

    • JooonsJoonz

      never see the petard do that O.O]

  • wAkKo

    “Fat kings run faster than trained cavalry”

    1111111111 u realy made me laugh a lot gj!!

  • Anonymous

    1111111111111 When Huns build a wonder, they make a destroyed one

  • Fuzer

    this is hilariuos. gj!

  • BANE THE DUKE

    xD … sooooo true!!

  • Hawk $@mur@!

    Good one..nice thoughts

  • Hawk Returns

    Beautiful stuff!!lol

  • Regicide

    This text made me laugh a lot XD

  • JC

    hahahhahahaha <3

  • Can_Ble

    haha, funny and true

  • kross interceptor

    OSSuM

    * wolf in middle ages eat only human flesh neither sheeps nor deers even if if u put deer, sheeps besides them * -.-